In a lot of ways, my little Chickadee enjoys the structure. It lends stability and normalcy to her life (and mine!), and it's nice for her to be doing the things other high school aged girls are doing. Chores, school, swimming and martial arts, church. All good things. And just as good and needed are the therapy groups, coping skills classes, and doctor's appointments. Chickadee needs all these facets in her life right now to help her heal, recover, and be equipped for a successful healthy future.
I confess that my love of school has maybe tipped the scales of what I thought was "important." I mean, the girl's gotta graduate from high school, right? And then the fall semester started, and we weren't doing summer school easy peasy stuff any more. Hours of history, algebra, biology, and english. Not to mention PE and reading. Hours and hours every day. Was I up for the challenge? Why yes, my school-nazi self was certain we could attain our goals. Never mind the fact that my girl is here to recover, to process and heal, to untrain past ways of living as she's training herself in new ways to live life and establish relationships.
Yesterday was quite a busy day for us, and I knew it was going to be tough to fit in alllll that school. We had our therapist on the schedule, as well as a doctor's appointment. All that to say, when we arrived home at 4:15 yesterday, Chickadee had only completed 2 hours of school that day, and we needed to do 4-5 more hours. So true to form, I get her settled in and push her to go, go, go! Normally she's a little trouper, and will work like crazy to get it done. But yesterday...yesterday was different. Around 5:00 she started melting down a little. My first response was not one of compassion, my thought process was running down the track of: you knew what our schedule was like today, why are you surprised that you still need to do a couple more hours of school? We've been out of the house for hours, that was a good break, right?!"
Once I looked into her overwhelmed face, I decided it was time for a break. I sent her off to swim, and after some laps and splashing, she started to relax. We never finished our hours of school yesterday. I was reminded that although school IS important, so is everything else that we do (insert "so back off, School Nazi!!!). Later that evening, in a different frame of mind, I found out what she and her therapist had talked about yesterday. It was deep. It was painful. I was ashamed of myself. This past week I've been so gung-ho on getting Chickadee caught up in school I've overlooked the emotional traumas and healing. Can I just say my heart was stung and broken last night?
I don't always get it right. (Who does, huh?!) I sometimes lose sight of what's important, and get caught up in agendas of my own making. But I think I'm starting to come around. I need that humility that asks "is this the most important thing right now" when I'm dead set on something. I need that humility that says I don't know everything all the time, so get off my high horse and listen to those who speak into my life as I'm raising this girl. And the compassion...oh God...my heart broke last night. Lord God, help my heart to care like Yours about the heart of my sweet girl(s). I need it.
And so, here we are. The next day. A day already brimming with fresh mercies, and fresh grace. Thank you Jesus!
