This will have to be a shorty post since I'm crazy tired this evening. But even as exhausted as I am I wanted to pause for a brief moment to share something I've recently processed.
This is one of those hectic and overly busy seasons in my life... Some people are aware of that, and others are not. This week I've been thinking about how much I've got on my plate: school, work, church, homework, chaplaining at the hospital, meeting, planning, researching, studying....and on it goes. I don't think I really have "spare time" anymore. I may take some time, but in my saying "yes" to that moment I've literally had to say "no" to something else.
This is probably the first time in my life I've had this experience to this degree. I, my friends, am what you might call "Spread Too Thin." I go and I do and I think and I read and I process and I write and I work and I school and there's just not enough to go around. Earlier as I was realizing this, I was sad and frustrated because I could just see all these great things that I could do--if I had more time. I could see how much better that project would be--if I had more time. I wanted to talk to people in greater depth and length--but I didn't have time. And short of taking something off my plate I can't do these truly wonderful things that my heart would love to engage in (yes, I even enjoy those theo classes that whup me!).
And this week I made this realization: Always in my past one of the major lies Satan has had a heyday with in my life is that in order for me to "be enough" I had to be perfect. I had to achieve. I had to do. And I had to do well. Right now I cannot feasibly do much of anything "well." The beauty of this is that even now, when I cannot possibly do the things in my life to the degree I want to do, God is still right here with me. Loving me. Giving me grace. Teaching me to rely on His truth. Helping my faith grow. Right here in the middle of one-time-lie territory, I can see that my heart is catching up with my head when I hear God say "I love you right where you are at." Not where I want to be or where I think I should be, or even where my profs, friends, boss, acquaintances think I should be.
I can't do it all.
I'm not perfect.
And like never before I KNOW God loves me.
And I know God loves me despite my shortcomings.
A lie has been conquered...
Part of me wonders if this journey I'm on was created for this very reason. I could drop a class. Or I could stop sleeping. I could quit interacting with people. Instead, I've had to do the best I can with the resources I have. A message from my Bible study this week is that people set out to change their circumstances, God sets out to change us... My circumstances won't be changing for a while, but I can see very clearly this week how God has changed me.
I certainly don't think this way of living is something I would honor God with were I to live this way all the time. But as I said, its a season.
There's a small part of me that quietly whispers "you're disappointing that person. You're falling so short in your studies. You should be doing so much more in that ministry. You should be doing...more...." And someday soon I will. But even as I think about disappoint people I wonder if perhaps this is a season for their own growth journey. I am confident that where I fall short, God will provide. The whispers of lies and shame are drowned out by God's voice saying he loves me right here, right now.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -Jesus
2 Corinthians 12:9
