It was a delicious feeling.
I drove away dreaming a little about more navy blue nights with amber lights and feelings of coziness... Of snuggling on my couch with a bear, a blanket, a warm beverage, and a good book. I found myself fantasizing of the good things in life, things that I've experienced before and can fully expect to experience again. I don't ever want the painful experiences repeated, but the good ones... The ones that bring me satisfaction... The ones that bring me joy... Those are the ones I dream about. Those are the ones that slip into my head and I enjoy entertaining.
I wanted comfort. I was yearning for something that was not yet to be.
I got to thinking about that, and thinking about God ('cause that's sometimes just how I think, except when I'm thinking about camel and tiger farms and the creation of a memory foam trampoline (how would that work??!!?)).
I thought about my tendency to desire. I desire a lot of things: scarves and books, intimacy and good relationships, spiritual growth and a deeper walk with God.
I want. I want a lot.
Well, I say I want a lot-- but sometimes I wonder just how much I give up on my wants and desires and instead settle for the attainable. And so the true desires transition into something less vital, and more shallow. There are times I want the most trivial of things and end up being content with them rather than pursuing the deeper, richer, more meaningful things. Why would I do that?
I think it boils down to comfort. As I daydream and desire I find that quite a few of these things are enjoyable to me because of how good they feel. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily, but I asked myself this: why do I desire comfort so much?
Its soothing.
Its safe.
Its stable.
It allows me to find a place where I can be on my own and content with that.
It can allow me independence from God if I'm not doing it with him.
My challenge these past few weeks has been to bring my desires to God and examine their purposes and motivations. I've had to ask if some of those desires and yearnings for comfort brought me closer to Him, or if they were a subtle means of pulling away from Him.
There are times, my friends, where I'm seeking out comfort from things (and not God) because I'm afraid God won't be enough for me, that He isn't what I think I need in that moment. Ouch. What to do about that?
This week as I'm daydreaming I'm also thinking about this:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"— but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10
This week I'm leaning a little more on the Holy Spirit who knows what God has prepared. I get a little bit excited about this passage because I think of the promise it holds, the taste of goodness, a satisfaction of my soul--it provides some measure of comfort for me, an everlasting comfort that I can know because God reveals it to me through his Spirit that dwells inside me.
This week I'm pausing just a little bit more to listen to the Spirit and allowing that to infiltrate my desires... Not always easy, but doing anything with God is better than what I can do on my own! Now that's some comfort!
