Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A day in the life...

This morning I woke up and, with a lot of help from Tiffany, moved some of my bulkier pieces of furniture into storage. Through an interesting set of circumstances I'll be moving this month, and then again later this year. This move is temporary, designed to save me money-something that concerns me recently.
I've moved five times in the 4.75 years I've been here. I find myself looking for a bit of stability. Renting space for a year only is beginning to wear a little thin. I'm yearning to settle in and claim a spot that can be home. Realistically I think the odds are against me as I'll be renting again later this year, plus I'm a student. What will my life look like once I graduate? I can't say that I'll still be local: God might prompt a move across country, halfway across country, or 10 miles down the road.
I heard a snippet of conversation at a lunch spot on campus today that made me think. One student was talking about the way we live when no one is looking. I have to admit that recently, I've been worried and down when no one is looking. Moving is tough, especially since the older I get the more stable I want to be. Within this month I've also have some circumstances that made me wonder about the people near to me: my heart wants to be able to count on them, but they're human too-they will at times fail me. And so I privately work through that internal confusion because I don't want anyone to know these thoughts. Classes, well, that should be pretty self-explanatory. They are crazy and stressful and grand and teach me so much (even on the days I forget half my gear, get my schedule confused, and/or have no real clue what the professor has just said...).  Who I am in private is much more contemplative than when you see me in person.  And this week's mullings have been looking at my circumstances and the emotions they spark in me:  why do I have trouble and end up hurting in some things?  
I think its safe to say that this past month is stretching me. I wanted security and support, but God is desiring for me to be dependent on Him. I see in most of my thoughts and actions a hint of independence, a touch of "I'll figure it out and go for it out of my own smarts and strength." Dangerous territory for me. This is probably one of the life lessons God has to teach me over and over again because it's just that ingrained in my stubborn self.
Refining can hurt. Learning God-lessons isn't always easy or comfortable. I honestly wish it was, but it isn't. But my soul and mind take comfort in the fact that in all my circumstances and feelings God is yearning for me. Yearning that I would draw close to Him, love Him, obey Him, play with Him, hurt with Him, grow with Him...
Thanks God for loving me so much you can't stand to let me have anything before You. The jealousy and intensity of love leaves no room for anything else but You. Thanks for reminding me and fighting for me when I'm tempted to shift my eyes to circumstances and desires that leave You outside the core. Thanks for drawing me continually closer to your great heart.